If a bully had to write an apology letter what would it say?

To raise awareness around Anti-Bullying Week, City Year Mentor Sakshi writes a reflective piece that creatively examines the long-term effects of bullying and what motivates a person to bully others. Sakshi expresses this through her own experiences as a victim of bullying and through an imaginative letter of apology from the perspective of her bully.

When I look back on school memories, it’s not the fun picnics with my friends or the fun during breaks and PE that comes rushing back, it’s the anxiety of waking up in the morning afraid of what might happen. It’s the knot in my stomach unaware of the names I am going to be called or the ones that made me feel like I am invisible. Because I used to be a victim of school bullying, it wasn’t fun waking up every day and going to school knowing I was going to be called names and made fun of, made to sit by myself during a group discussion or lunch. It wasn’t fun to never be selected during PE and to be made to feel invisible. I was called “ugly” or sometimes people even said that because I had curly hair (and the norm was to have straight hair), they even made rumours about me having a contagious rash!

By the time I reached year 9, I had no friends, which not only blows the wind out of you, it crushes you completely! Especially because this was the period when so much of my personality was being developed, how people treated me moulded my self-esteem to a point where it affects me even today after all these years. Things they said or just the feeling of being isolated and made to feel unlovable haunts me even today. I didn’t want to go to school anymore, scared of what might happen! The pain of being bullied is not just about what is said to you, it’s about the feeling of being invisible, unimportant, and unloved.

Amongst all my bullies, there was a group of 4 girls specifically who targeted me all through secondary school. They mocked and laughed when I fell down the stairs or when I got yelled at by a teacher. And for the longest time, I was so angry and hurt that for once I wanted them to know what it’s like to be me. I never quite understood why they wanted to make me feel the way they did! Why me? What had I done to deserve the constant bullying and ragging?

When the bullying got too much and I felt so suffocated and physically couldn’t be in school anymore, I would hide in the toilet more often than not. During one of my hideaways, I heard someone hysterically crying and I didn’t want to be intrusive and let her be. Just as I was about to leave I heard her call someone and as she started speaking, I realised this was none other than one of my bullies. The main one out of the clique! Let’s call her A for the sake of this story. I was secretly happy that she was upset and for once she knew what it was like to be upset or hurt. As I listened to her wailing, something my mother would say came echoing back to me – “If someone tries to hurt you intentionally, know that they are going through something that you have no idea about.”

I have no idea who she called but she explained how she was tired of being the “perfect daughter” and that she felt the pressure of holding it all together when her parents were getting a divorce, as well as feeling that she still had to be the best in everything. She just broke down. As much as I enjoyed her being miserable for once, she was going through a lot herself and it made sense why she reflected her anger onto me. I’m not condoning her behaviour at all and I still hated her but I understood where it was coming from. I never confronted A and told her that I had overheard this conversation or addressed it with her, but I looked at my bullies from a different perspective. They were human beings carrying the weight of being hurt themselves. She carried the baggage of her parents’s words every day. She might have been popular in school but I can only imagine the pressure she must have had at home. I’m not condoning what she did, as I mentioned earlier, it still affects me to this day. However, it made me realise that a lot was happening behind the scenes that nobody knew about. So here’s an apology letter that I think A would write now if she could…

Hey.

It’s me A. I was going to say you probably don’t remember me but how could you not? I made your life a living hell to the point where you changed schools.
This letter is not justifying what I did to you or condoning it, but rather an explanation.
You see, from a very young age, my parents expected me to be the golden child. My brother was 11 years older than me, so by the time I was in year 5, he moved to the US and was an Ivy League student. Not only did I have to live up to him but I also could not afford to disappoint my parents. Once in year 6, we had just gotten our semester grades and I had promised my parents I would get a 98 or even a 99 overall. Instead, I got a 96 and I knew how mad my parents would be. And I saw how happy you were with a 75. That was the day I started the rumour about your contagious rash! I was so scared of what was going to happen at home that making fun of you was the only way I felt powerful for a second. I deviated my anger onto you. As the rumour spread and people started being mean to you, the more I felt like I had power and control in a world where I felt like such a disappointment.

The day during PE when you fell and got a bruise on your knee and my girls and I laughed, was the day I found out my parents were getting a divorce and I was forced to live with my dad. At that moment, I was so angry at the world, at my parents, and at everything that was happening, making fun of you made me feel better seeing someone else hurt. It sounds awful and I feel so guilty for it all! But what I am trying to say is, I am so sorry that I deflected my battles onto you. You didn’t deserve any of it and I can’t even imagine what this must have done for you. The day you left school I felt awful. I knew why! It’s because of all the mean things my friends and I said. I hope you can accept my apology. I don’t know if you’ll forgive me but I hope you do. Again, I’m not trying to justify how I acted towards you, I just feel like I’ve owed you an apology for a long time now. I am so sorry for everything that I did.

From,
A

Although this letter might not be exactly what she might say, it’s a reflection on why bullying happens in the first place. She was going through so much more than what she did to me. I have forgiven her despite the pain she caused me. Because she was in a lot of pain and needed a punching bag. It’s not fair and I am not condoning bullying. All I am saying is if you are someone who is a bully and you know you’re hurting someone, pause and think before you say something or act in a way that scars them for life. Ask yourself why you want to hurt them. If you’re a victim of school bullying, reach out to a trusted adult whether it’s your parents or teachers, let someone know and you are not weak for asking for help. As someone very wise once said – “It takes courage to stand up to a bully, but it takes a lot more to stop being a bully!”